So here we are

I will keep posting as long as the blog stays in working order.  I just no longer have the funds or the energy to get it back up when it goes snafu again, and I never had the know-how.  This little space on the internet means a lot to me and I’d like it to continue, I just don’t see myself being able to make it happen if the internet gremlins don’t smile on me.

A new normal is what I’m trying to carve out elsewhere.  Some of it looks a lot like my old normal, but it feels different because I’m shedding a lot of guilt and feelings of inadequacy and not measuring up that weren’t mine to bear to begin with.

My bedroom looks completely different. With the help of sons-in-laws and my son and the donations of friends and daughters and friends of daughters I made some other changes, real and symbolic. The king sized bed was removed from my bedroom and put in an upstairs bedroom and I have a double sleighbed, and an entire bookcase for a bedside table. The dresser in my room has been moved to an upstairs bedroom.  My dresser and the Cherub’s have always been in the bathroom and that works well.  There are new curtains, and the other closet now holds a bookcase as well. There is an air-walker and a rebounder in my bedroom, a treadmill in my dining room, and a small single wheel exercise thing-gummy  (It’s an under the desk mini-exercise bike)under the roll-top desk which has also become mine. – all given to me gratis. I can’t really take the Cherub outside for walks because of the cold, her circulation, and the fact that she doesn’t really walk very fast or smoothly.  I can’t join a gym to the fact that I have no local sitter for the Cherub and the even more significant fact that if I have to get in the car and go somewhere I might meet people to exercise, it’s not happening.  I am not going to tell you I do this for half an hour every day.  I do this for five minute increments, or two minute increments, or 200 steps, a handful of times through the day.  I was planning to watch K-Dramas cast from phone to large screen T.V. while exercising but the chromecast quit working when we moved the T.V. and i can’t get it back on.  I’ll be buying a 12 foot cable to connect laptop to television shortly and that should work well.

I sent my best baking pans and almost all my Shakespeare books and some other things I wish I still had on ahead to Malaysia and I can’t get them back.  I spent a year purging my house of things I wanted to keep in preparation for a move to Malaysia that isn’t happening.  I am angry and bitter about that, as well as the obvious.  I sold family property, half the money already gone and I don’t know where, because of the move to Malaysia that isn’t now happening. Yes, I am bitter and angry and furious.  And I am also relieved it wasn’t worse, because as bad as it was, it could have been so much, much, much more difficult had things gone as planned and the Cherub and I in Malaysia when he got caught or abandoned us.  Relieved that currently, he says he will keep supporting us and so far has.  I wasn’t interested in being a single parent 24 and 7 (except 2x a month when it’s 24 and 6, or even 24 and 6 and 3/4), but I can order groceries online and pick them up in the parking lot and use her wheelchair to wheel them in from the car so this, too, could be worse.

I went out for lunch with a friend today and laughed and joked and smiled with sincerity.  Never mind the times I have sat in the church parking lot having a panic attack and hyperventilating and crying and unable to go inside, or had to leave quickly after services to do the same.

I write my incarcerated godson about 3x a week.  I am trying to do 6x a week, but it just doesn’t ever seem to work out that way.  When I started running out of things to say I started including an occasional parable from the New Testament or a shorter one of Aesop’s fables.  I tell him about things I am reading and thinking about.  I’m doing a reading challenge for 2019.  I’m planning a new writing project. I see my grandkids pretty often and they are always delights.

As I type this out it is one of my very good hours, but there is nothing standing in the way of a horrible melt down and loud sobs of devastation thirty minutes from now, over something utterly trivial- a line in a child’s picture book, a comment in a movie, a note from a friend, a remembrance of something precious or trivial in the Philippines as a reminder that I am not going back, and there is no way forward except through it.

 

Thank-you for all the kind words and comments.  They are precious balm to a wounded soul.

 

 

 

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11 Comments

  1. Posted January 14, 2020 at 10:51 pm | Permalink

    I have no words to express how sorry I am. I know I’m just a random person on the internet, but I still want to offer my hugs and prayers.

    You will get through this, God will get you through this.

  2. Posted January 15, 2020 at 5:05 am | Permalink

    The cost of my blog has been a problem for me too, so next month I’m moving my blog back to Blogger, but keeping my domain name. That’s only about $15 a year.

    I got tired of all the plugins I had to use just to make my blog workable the way I liked. I was happier at Blogger. Less stress.

    Loss is loss whether it’s the death of a loved one, a job, or a marriage. You’re taking all the right steps. I’m proud of you.

  3. Ashley Cozzens
    Posted January 15, 2020 at 9:38 am | Permalink

    I’m so glad to hear you have a lot of support right now. I continue to pray for you and your situation. Selfishly, I really hope you are able to keep the blog going in some form or another. I have read your blog for around 10 years and so much of my homeschooling motivation has come from you, I’ve watched a few K-dramas, downloaded cheap or free kindle books on your recommendation, enjoyed your humor.
    I actually have a chrome cast new in the box that we got free for listening to a sales pitch for phone and internet. I’d gladly mail it to you if it would make your setup better.

  4. Connie McEntire
    Posted January 15, 2020 at 5:52 pm | Permalink

    I’ve decided that sometimes going into church is just too much even if the people there are amazing. Praying for you

  5. Susan Humeston
    Posted January 15, 2020 at 8:28 pm | Permalink

    I am another internet acquaintance – if you can call it that – who has read your blog for at least 10 years. I remember your stories about your dad and mom, your first grandkids, your posts about current events that always took a fair and balanced view and reasoned through every angle, not accepting hearsay. I have admired your ability to host anyone and everyone at a time with joy and gentleness. I’ve seen the changes in the past few years – less about your children and grandchildren, wondering about your son and your youngest girl. I loved your observations about the Philippines and the people and their culture. I am so upset that this has happened to you.

    You have a group of people that you have blessed over the years and now is the time for you to reap what you have sown and gather in the blessings so needed by you now. I’m all for you adding a Paypal button or starting a Go Fund Me page – I would donate. You will get through this and life will get better and more serene. I have a blog on Blogger that I don’t write in much anymore, but it costs nothing and was very easy to set up. WordPress is too much trouble. Blogger is no trouble at all. You could post a link on this blog and we could follow you to the new one.

    My prayers will be with you in the times ahead even if you stop writing. I have been a reader for too long to forget you. I’m so sorry and wish there was some way I could lighten your burden.

    • Cat
      Posted January 16, 2020 at 11:41 pm | Permalink

      There’s also a service called KoFi (I think) that’s essentially like tips. But on the internet! I’m another long-time reader (and so is my mother) and would be glad to donate what I could if it would help.

  6. Linda Lawhorn
    Posted January 16, 2020 at 4:55 am | Permalink

    This is so hard. It’s good your kids are nearby and supportive. It’s so hard to be going through this. The Lord is near to the broken hearted.

  7. Chris
    Posted January 16, 2020 at 11:29 am | Permalink

    I’m so very, very sorry that this has been put on you. Somehow finding out a beloved person is not what you thought they were is almost more devastating than whatever they actually did. It seems to negate the good times, too,which is a terrible additional loss, and then you sometimes auestion your judgment, your own sanity…it is all so ugly. A terrible thing and again, I am so sorry for it.

    • Headmistress
      Posted January 17, 2020 at 1:39 pm | Permalink

      There was a short period of time where in my grief and anguish over discovering he’s almost never been who and what I thought he was, I lamented that it would have been better for him to have died and left us grieving a cleaner grief, but that was a very short time. I realized if that had happened I would have spent the rest of my life mortifying my soul over not having been a better wife to a good man. I’m better off knowing that while I certainly have my failures and sinful qualities myself, he was not a good man and is not worth grieving over in that way.

  8. Frances
    Posted January 16, 2020 at 5:01 pm | Permalink

    You go, girl!

  9. Elena Rulli
    Posted January 17, 2020 at 8:22 am | Permalink

    Dear DHM, how I wish I could hug you and say a couple of very unladylike things against the one who’s wronged you. We’ve never met irl and probably never will, but your posts, with their humanity, balance and intelligence, have always been a pleasure and a learning chance, especially when I don’t agree with your opinion.
    I care about you as if you were a dear friend of mine and feel your pain.

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