Big Changes

The blog was down for a while again and I could not figure out the problem.  I don’t know how long it’s going to be back up this time, but I won’t be spending any money to fix it again, so the next time it goes bloop will probably be it.

Meanwhile- We are not going to Malaysia.  The reasons are not good.  Upon discovering that my husband has been making plans to abandon his family for a woman he met on an airplane, who speaks no English (he doesn’t speak her language) and is young enough to be his daughter, I asked him to move out.  This is not a joke and there is no punchline.

Of course, that was only the first discovery.  There were others.   I’ve been married to a pod person for 37 years and I am still coming to grips with that.  He’s not who I thought he was and it appears he never really was, although the utter stupidity of this one is kind of a new thing.  I have texts.  They are not subject to interpretation.  They are plain and clear.  They speak of ‘falling in love’ at first sight with a total stranger on an airplane, making plans to abandon your family in Malaysia so you can go play with her in another Asian country, telling her she’s a ‘good woman’ who ‘deserves better’ than you because she says she won’t just play with you since you’re married, she will only be with you if you marry her and when she is actually sending you text messages saying, “I am looking for someone to marry me so I can get American citizenship.”  His response to that message was, and I quote, “What’s your favourite flavour of ice-cream?”

Anyway. He was telling her when and where he was going to leave me and he was was looking for jobs in her country and so he’s out.  He says he wants reconciliation, and that he is so very sorry, but he wasn’t really going to leave me, he was just telling her that.  Whatever.  Because as far as he had already fallen, he was leaving sooner or later.  I chose sooner.

 

IT’s devastating, and I don’t really have good days and bad days, I have good quarter hours and bad ones and I am always taken by surprise by the bad ones.

 

He had this t-shirt he purchased in the country he was travelling home from when he met her, with the name of the country on it.  He took pictures of himself in that shirt while sitting next to her and cropped her out and posted them to social media.  He wore it all the time at home.  He was wearing it when he took pictures of himself sitting next to me on an airplane as we flew somewhere he was going to perform a wedding ceremony for friends- and cropped me out and sent it to her telling her he thought only of her the whole time.  I took the shirt and a pair of sheers and snipped it into rags in front of him while I told him what kind of horrendous jerk and total idiot I thought he was.  I took the 37 silk roses I had (one given to me every year on our anniversary, usually with great ceremony and a whole ‘look at me, look at me, I am so good’ vibe, which is mostly the driving force behind everything he does), and I threw them all in the garbage the day after I found out.
I have always hated fake flowers, anyway, and it seems fitting he never could remember that and it was a fake relationship as well.

 

Yes. I am in counseling.  Allegedly, so is he.  He has promised to continue supporting the cherub and I, but of course, how can I trust him?  So far he has, but he only got caught in an ongoing relationship the beginning of November and this only the beginning of January.   He sees the Cherub every other week or so for a few hours, and that’s his choice.

I don’t feel guilty.  I don’t feel like any of this was my fault.  I do feel like a stupid idiot.  I feel rage, grief, fury, heartache, disgust, horror, lonely, panicky, crushed,  and more.  I feel immense relief that his contemptuous treachery was discovered *before* we went to Malaysia.

I find myself with severe shoulder pain because I am tensing and keeping my shoulders up around my ears all day long- a common self defense/PTSD reaction to stress and betrayal.  I also find that the position I feel most comfortable sleeping in is sideways at the head of my bed, with my back firmly up against the sleigh style headboard, and I realized this is part of hyper-vigilance, protecting myself from being stabbed in the back, only too late, I already was, and keeping my back to the wall, literally, won’t protect me from this kind of attack anyway.  The mind is weird.

Another burden carried alongside this one is that the day before I discovered what a hollow monster I’ve been married to, I learned that the older of my once ‘Little Boys’ is incarcerated in a southern state and will be there at least a year.  This has been devastating.  I write to him three or four times a week, and I have not yet been able to tell him the news about a man he loved and looked up to and admired.   He’s written me back and he loves me and wants more letters and so I just keep trying to think of things to say that don’t go there.

I don’t know what else to say, or what I should unsay.  I have tried to hold back, but there is just so much.  Too much.  I would like to crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head and just stay there, forever.  I would like this all to be a horrendous nightmare, something from an alternate universe and I could wake up and things I once thought were true would still be true and the fears in the dark would be as unsubstantial as candle smoke.

I am so very very tired of trauma in my life.

 

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38 Comments

  1. Stephanie
    Posted January 12, 2020 at 10:21 pm | Permalink

    I just read your post. I don’t know what to say other than I am praying for you, my sister in Christ. Please don’t despair.

  2. Kris Tyree
    Posted January 13, 2020 at 4:40 am | Permalink

    I have no words. I am heartbroken for you and fir your whole family. Prayers. That’s it. I can’t imagine how you feel because I only know you through your blog and I feel devastated. And the poor little boy- how sad. Keep writing to him and giving him the love he needs. Praying for you.

  3. Amy
    Posted January 13, 2020 at 6:42 am | Permalink

    Sister, you will be ok.

    The trauma and betrayal you are going through is awful. I will be praying for you.

  4. Anne Lawson
    Posted January 13, 2020 at 8:17 am | Permalink

    I am so sorry. I have always been inspired by your writing and the things you share on your blog and the AO Forum, and still am. I pray you find a way through this. I would offer practical help if you were near. If your network of friends and homeschoolers all over the world can help from afar in any way, please let us know.

  5. cherie
    Posted January 13, 2020 at 8:37 am | Permalink

    Praying for you.

  6. Posted January 13, 2020 at 8:41 am | Permalink

    I’m so very sorry. I’ll be praying for your recovery, and that you and cherub survive.

  7. Elena
    Posted January 13, 2020 at 9:25 am | Permalink

    I am so sorry. What a horrible, devastating thing to happen, and I wish there was something I could say that would help. I will be praying for your family.

  8. Tracy
    Posted January 13, 2020 at 11:01 am | Permalink

    I am so very sorry. I’m a long-time reader, have seldom commented, but now I wish we were IRL friends so I could leave nice things on your porch, one introvert to another. You, your family, and the “little boys” will be in my prayers.

  9. Heather
    Posted January 13, 2020 at 11:51 am | Permalink

    I am also praying for you, that God will shine a light into your life, and lift you up, and that those you love can help and support you.

  10. Elizabeth
    Posted January 13, 2020 at 11:59 am | Permalink

    I am so sorry.

    I am praying for you and Cherub and your family.

    Lord have mercy. That is such a betrayal.

  11. Lisa Beth W.
    Posted January 13, 2020 at 12:18 pm | Permalink

    Oh, oh, oh! I want to scream and rage, but that will not help. Oh, my heart.
    Dear, dear DHM, you will be in my prayers over and over and over. Dear one who is beloved of God, He alone will never fail you.

  12. Michelle
    Posted January 13, 2020 at 12:42 pm | Permalink

    Ahhh, I am sorry. My heart just broke for you. I am married -30 years now- in what could be best called a problematic marriage. I chose reconciliation over divorce, as I knew being a strong willed fat woman my odds in moving forward were low. Probably not the best decision making strategy but it is what it is. Reconciling is brutal. We are doing ok. I have added you to my prayer list.

  13. Chris
    Posted January 13, 2020 at 1:15 pm | Permalink

    I am so sorry. I am praying for you.

  14. Frances
    Posted January 13, 2020 at 1:44 pm | Permalink

    I am so so very sorry!

  15. selfanalyst
    Posted January 13, 2020 at 4:51 pm | Permalink

    Been missing your posts, never dreamed this was going on. Praying for your peace. Betrayal at this level is incomprehensible. You may need a GoFundMe page, I would contribute.

  16. Posted January 13, 2020 at 6:00 pm | Permalink

    I am so very, very sorry for what you are going through. I’ve followed this blog for a dozen years. Your story, your family’s story, has been transformative in my life, and yes, I know how ridiculous it sounds to be transformed in part by strangers on the internet. Having been so touched by your thoughts, I wish I could give you a hug, brew you some tea, and lend an ear. Instead, please know that I am keeping you and yours in my prayers.

    How are your daughters and grandchildren handling all this? I know from experience that it’s hard being the offspring in a situation like this. Do they have support? Are they able to comfort you?

    I sincerely hope it all gets easier soon.

  17. Suzie
    Posted January 13, 2020 at 6:06 pm | Permalink

    I have just read your post. There are no words of comfort I can offer, only prayers.

  18. Sheila
    Posted January 13, 2020 at 9:14 pm | Permalink

    I am so very sorry.

  19. Linda Lawhorn
    Posted January 14, 2020 at 5:13 am | Permalink

    I’m so sorry for the news about your husband. I am praying for you.

  20. Posted January 14, 2020 at 5:43 am | Permalink

    I’ve never commented here before, but I’ve read you faithfully for I don’t know how long. I’ve missed your posts, and when I read this one, I was floored.

    You’ve done the right thing. Put it behind you and move into the light.

    I hope you’ll keep posting. Take care.

  21. Juanita
    Posted January 14, 2020 at 9:24 am | Permalink

    I don’t know what to say other than to echo what others have – my prayers are with you and I ask that the God of all comfort will bring you comfort in this dark time. I’ve read your blog for a long time but rarely commented.

  22. Kim L.
    Posted January 14, 2020 at 11:02 am | Permalink

    I am so sorry for your loss. The loss of your marriage, the loss of who you thought he was, etc.

    Thank you for the warning that the blog may go away. I will copy some of your recipes I enjoyed to my own files. I’ve been reading your blog regularly for 11 or 12 years now. I have found your words to be helpful, encouraging, and many other positive things in my life. I will miss your online voice. I wish you and the Cherub all the best.

    I’m heading to Amazon to buy some books through your links. I hope those pennies will be multiplied to meet any financial needs.

  23. Kris in PA
    Posted January 14, 2020 at 9:12 pm | Permalink

    Oh dear! This is devastating news! I cannot believe it. I have read here for so long, I think finding you in my early days of homeschooling, and have benefitted so much from your writing. You are treasured to many of us! I, too, wish I had you for a neighbor…wish I could do something for all the years I was encouraged by your writing here. Please know that I will pray for you, asking God to shower you with His love and grace. I’m so very, very saddened by this news. Please keep writing, if possible. It may help. Hugs to you…

    • Headmistress
      Posted January 14, 2020 at 9:24 pm | Permalink

      Writing definitely helps. IT’s vital to my own wellbeing at all times. The problem is the technology side of things- the blog has regularly been just gumming up and not doing things it ought to be doing, and I can no longer keep trying to fix it. A friend was doing this most of the time for me for free, but I simply do not have the lack of shame necessary to keep asking this of her, and I can’t keep paying for it. So we’ll just have to see how long this stays up and running this time.

      • Lisa Beth W.
        Posted January 15, 2020 at 10:21 pm | Permalink

        If you think it’s okay to do a GoFundMe page, you could set one up or ask this friend to set it up so that your blog friends could help you with the cost of maintaining this blog or switching to a different platform…or something! I’m sure many would love to keep hearing from you and want you to benefit from the therapeutic value of it also!

  24. Amy
    Posted January 15, 2020 at 6:01 am | Permalink

    you Say that writing helps, so please, consider starting up a blog on WordPress or blogger. It’s very simple and will cost you nothing. You can leave a notice here on a post and people can pick up your new blog in their blog feeder. I’m still praying for you. Having watched my mom come through this kind of betrayal, I KNOW that God will take care of you. Cry out to Him. It doesn’t matter why we are crying out, He hears us.

  25. Connie McEntire
    Posted January 15, 2020 at 5:33 pm | Permalink

    You’ve been on my heart and mind for a few weeks now. Your blog was a lifeline for me in every dark time. I will continue reading your blog whenever I can and will keep you in prayer. You have every right to be angry.

  26. Joy
    Posted January 15, 2020 at 6:48 pm | Permalink

    Oh my dear, I am so, so sorry. I know some of what you are dealing with and my heart is breaking for you and the Cherub and your other children. It’s ugly and painful and nothing changes the sin. But, somehow in the midst of that ugliness and painfulness, the Lord is and will always be faithful. I am praying for you.

    As far as Shakespeare books, I have some and if they can be of any use to you, I would happy to send them. Just send me an email.

    Your blog helped me get through when money was scant and raising boys alone seemed more than I could bear. I am thankful for you and this blog.

  27. Jan
    Posted January 16, 2020 at 12:48 am | Permalink

    I am so sorry that this has happened to you.
    May you feel GOD’s arms around each moment and may you feel His peace.

  28. 6 arrows
    Posted January 17, 2020 at 9:08 am | Permalink

    I am so angered and heartbroken that your husband has done this to you and your family. I’ve wanted to give you words of comfort since I read this on Monday, but, honestly, whenever I try, my anger at the situation dominates, and the gentle, peaceful words get lost in the maelstrom of emotions.

    If I’m feeling like this, just reading what you experienced, I can’t even imagine the depth of the pain you’re enduring, actually living through this. I am so, so sorry.

    You are in my prayers, and will continue to be, dear one. Praying the Lord’s peace, strength, and comfort in the way He only can provide.

  29. Melissa
    Posted January 17, 2020 at 2:24 pm | Permalink

    I’ve been reading here forever, too. I’m not able to say what is going on in my own life, but let’s just say a very important person has let me down & others very important to me–it’s just as incomprehensible as what you’re describing. I’d be shocked to read your post if I wasn’t at this very moment going through something like an atomic bomb devastation in my own life. I’ve been praying for you every since I read it. “Great is Thy faithfulness.” “Comforting words in an uncomfortable setting,” as Alistair Begg put it. Or an unbearable setting as it were.

  30. Posted January 17, 2020 at 3:08 pm | Permalink

    Oh, my dear, sweet DHM! I’m so sorry!

  31. Dana
    Posted January 18, 2020 at 12:11 pm | Permalink

    Praying for you!

  32. Marianne
    Posted January 18, 2020 at 12:52 pm | Permalink

    I have read your blog almost since the start and have grown so much, in so many areas, since I discovered you. I read differently, cook differently, and look at many things differently because of you. I have consistently prayed for your family over the years, and especially as you embarked on your missionary journey in the Philippines.

    Since I first learned of how you were betrayed I have been without words. I have started several times to type a response, something that I hoped would comfort and encourage you, but the words still do not come. Emotions yes, strong ones, but words to comfort and encourage eluded me. Romans 8 says it so well, as I make intercession with groanings which cannot be uttered.

  33. Anne-Marie
    Posted January 20, 2020 at 3:02 pm | Permalink

    I haven’t been reading regularly for a while, but I am glad (as it were) to have caught this post today so I can add my prayers to others’. Over the years I have relayed many of your ideas and stories to my husband, and he will pray for you, too.
    May you keep faith in the Lord, even as you say, “I am sorely afflicted,” and as you say in your alarm, “No man can be trusted.” (Ps. 116)

  34. Elle
    Posted January 27, 2020 at 8:45 am | Permalink

    Oh my I am so sorry. Such betrayal. I will pray for your healing. We live in a sin cursed world and I am crushed that you are forced to experience it. Your blog has been such a source of wisdom to me. Your writing style is just so and always manages to touch me or force me to look at something differently. Thank you.

  35. HeatherHH
    Posted February 4, 2020 at 11:45 am | Permalink

    Though I’ve been doing less active blog reading in the last year or two, I’ve enjoyed and been blessed by your blog for many many years. I am so very sorry to hear this. Praying for the Lord to give you peace, strength, wisdom, and healing.

  36. Ruth
    Posted February 23, 2020 at 2:34 pm | Permalink

    Having walked with too many friends, now, though this level of betrayal, I know that there are no words. But I pray you will be accompanied by Piglets who sit with (Pooh) you through difficult days you cannot talk about, and touch you with love in their hands, and bring food, and be with you. Out of her own betrayal trauma my friend has started the Guesthouse. It is a place to run away to to be given the gift of beautiful space for a few short hours, ministered to and remember that you are still the beloved of the never-failing One. https://theguesthouseproject.com/who-we-are

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