Q. We like to co-sleep with the kids, but our families object and keep bringing it up. What should we say to them?
A. First of all, you don’t have to say anything at all excet, “Well, we have researched this extensively, it is our family, and this is what we’ve decided. I don’t feel like this is a productive conversation to continue having. Oh- change of subject here, but I have been meaning to ask you how you make such divine gravy? It’s the best I’ve ever had….”
But if you feel that you want to say more than that… You can ask them first what their concerns are- Respectfully, of course. Maybe they have concerns that are easily addressed (no, we don’t have sex in front of the baby.)
Many of you have not been parents long enough to remember when *every* head doctor around insisted that sleeping with your child caused serious emotional and psychological damage. Many studies found that a common factor in emotionally disturbed children and adults was that they slept with their parents as infants and young children. Of course, other common factors were the fact that all of them ate, all had parents, all went to school, etc. For years nobody thought to do a study of *normal* families’ sleeping habits. When it finally occurred to somebody to do this, it took careful research to find out the truth, because many normal families were afraid to admit they did this, given all the hype about how bad it was for the kidlets.
I remember my shock, when pregnant with my first, 29 years ago, at reading an article discussing the change in attitude in the mental health community
That’s where I read for the first time that the professionals telling us all how damaging it was to sleep with the kids had *never* compared results of normal, healthy families. I just assumed that they would, after all, that’s required in good research, right? Yes, I was naive.
More recently the medical community has continued to push the no co-sleeping agenda, but they have changed the reason (this is always a sign that there something flawed about their agenda)- now it’s because ‘studies show’ that babies die. Well- not when you really tease out the studies and realize that they do not differentiate between parents who have given birth (and thus have some raging hormones that really do make a difference); parents on drugs; parents who are drunk; parents who are morbidly obese (and thus tend to have sleep apnea problems), and average parents who are not drunk, on drugs, or suffering from sleep disorders. It makes a huge difference, of course.
Your parents and other relatives may not be aware of the problems with past or current studies in this area, they only know what they hear on the news, but you have to do a lot of research and sharing of resources to fix this, and you have to be prepared for the fact that when you hand them studies, you are opening the door for further argument about your parenting choices and a sort of dueling research game which can last for years and cover all of your parenting choices.
Personally, over time I learned it was simpler to listen, think about what they said and where it was coming from, and then just go my own way and change the subject a lot.
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Or, we could just not tell them that to begin with. Funny (for me) is that my grandmother urges me to keep the babies in the bed with me, and she kept her kids in the bed with her. She turned out a couple of rather neurotic offspring. You’d think I’d believe those studies, considering our family track record, but I don’t. Has nothing to do with the sleeping arrangements. I like being able to nurse and sleep, instead of getting up to feed the baby and try to get him back to sleep. I co-sleep with mine until I want my bed back, and my hubby appreciates it when they move to the crib. That’s around 5 months for us. Any longer than that and…well, we *don’t* want company. Not every night, anyway.
Was I vague, much? In my last comment, by “tell them that”, I mean “tell our families where the baby is sleeping”. Just get a bassinet from Goodwill and pretend that’s where you keep the baby.
Nursing and typing. Not a good combination. #mommybrain
I am of the don’t tell camp myself, but I do know that some young mothers have relatives who specifically ask and clearly expect an answer.
our 7 1/2 yr old has been in our bed quite a while now …started out because my husband was working nights; then he was badly scared by a relative with a scary mask …otherwise he is a very outgoing kid…ugh! and we are the grandparents raising him….
We’ve just had our 9th baby, 3 years after the previous one. There seems to be so much more pressure to not co-sleep this time around. I don’t know if it’s just my perception? The hospital that I have given birth in for last 7 babies now has a strict no co-sleeping policy after a baby died in a co-sleeping arrangement where the mother was very tired after a long labour. It happened a few years ago in another hospital in our city. That is a very sad situation, so it is understandable that people would want to prevent it happening again. I do wonder if it is an over-reaction to have nurses coming to check the baby’s whereabouts every 3omins….
Most parenting options seem to cycle in and out of favour, so I guess eventually it will become fashionable to co-sleep again
I’m usually in the “don’t tell” camp too, but with each child I find that I am more and more unapologetic for our practices. Yes, we have our babies at home. Yes, we co-sleep. No, we don’t vaccinate. Yes, we do a bunch of other crazy things that mainstream America doesn’t approve of at the moment. DEAL WITH IT. (That last part is unsaid.) Not that I’m trying to be rude, it’s just that I have gotten tired of trying to hide what we do or feel bad about it. I’m not trying to shove our choices down anyone’s throat – just quietly stating that “this is what we do.” Of course, our family is (for the most part) nice about things – it would be different if they were super-super hostile (it’s mostly quiet hostility, LOL).
Crazy Idea #1- Change the subject if you are exhausted by the topic still coming up with the same interviewer.
Crazy Idea #2- Say (if this is during a family visit)- You know, I would rather use the precious time we have on this family visit to talk about topics we enjoy. This topic has gotten tiring for me, I hope you will understand. If you have real concerns, I would encurage you to write a letter to my husband about them after our time with you. Thanks.