Unsolicited Adoption Advice, Part 2

Part one is here.

Another bit of advice I would give is to pray that God will conform your hearts and minds so that you want to foster/adopt because you want more children to love, and _not_ because you see yourself as Saving The Children. In our experience, we have seen some very sad problems come up when the parents have this Savior Mentality rather than the servant’s heart God calls us to. It’s hard, because, of
course, we all want to save children, and the image of ourselves acting so nobly is rather seductive. But unless the heart of the parent changes, this will nearly always cause stress and resentment in the adoption relationship, and it’s not the child’s fault.

You see, the heart is deceitful above all things, and anytime we hear ourselves saying, ‘I don’t expect gratitude, but…’ we can be fairly certain we are not telling ourselves the truth. We may say (and mean it) that we didn’t do this or the other thing in order to receive anybody’s thanks and gratitude, but the truth is that when we come up against some unpleasant behaviors we find ourselves resenting the lack of gratitude that we think we don’t expect, if that makes sense.
This is a basic truth that applies in every area, but it is particular important to guard against it in adoption, because it can do untold damage to the relationship.

Parents must not ever approach this as though _they_ are doing these children a favor, anymore than they would approach biological conception as them doing the baby a favor. Parents are, presumably, the grown-ups, and they make the choices. The children have to live with them.

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