Going to the City (Or, Why You Shouldn’t)

Last Tuesday was my day off, so I spent all day in town spending money. I’m spending $170 on a new retainer to replace the one I lost almost a year ago. I spent $30 dollars at State Line Tack (a record for me, until Tuesday I’d never spent less than $45 at State Line Tack), $33 dollars at K-Mart, $10 bucks at a book shop, and $8 on clothes.

This last, at least, was a deal. I have determined that I am very tired of wearing my sisters’ skirts because, frankly, when one is 5’0 tall, one doesn’t like to wear things that only emphasize this lack of leggage. I therefore purchased a pretty blue skirt that descends modestly to my knees but goes no further. I am proud of it. It fits me! I look cute in it. My flattered vanity in this case, however, is nothing compared to the flattered vanity that is aroused when I don the silky green dress which I also purchased. I spent twenty minutes flirting with myself in the dressing room mirror at the store. It is so PWETTY! It clings to me where it should and doesn’t cling where I’d rather it didn’t. It is cool and billowy.

So anyway, yes. I spent all day in the larger metropolis near us making charitable donations to the city’s commerce, and on the way home we made the grave mistake of stopping by Hollywood Video. As it had been my idea, I was delegated to go look for the movie and to sign up for a member’s card. The movie was selected, and I began filling out the form.

I suppose I should here digress for a moment, and explain that I have neither a debit or a credit card. I pay cash for everything or I don’t buy anything; I am too stupid to function any other way. As far as ID is concerned, I have always been able to get by with a driver’s license and my Military ID card.

That is, until I arrived at Hollywood Video. They refused to take my Military ID. That is, one nice but very nervous guy said he would take it and some Witch in a Ponytail descended upon us and said, no, he couldn’t take it. She said, and I quote-“We can’t use two picture IDs.”


“We need proof of your address so we have some way to get a hold of you if you don’t pay. You need a debit card, a credit card, or a utility bill.”

“My address is on my driver’s license. If you need secondary here is my paystub, my address is on it, too.”

“We can’t take that.”

“A deposit slip, with my address and account information on it?”

Nope. Nothing would make her happy but a credit card, debit card, or utility bill.

I was in there for an HOUR arguing with her. She kept insisting it was just policy and she couldn’t do anything about it. I requested a number to call and complain; she gave it, and off I went to the car where the Deputy Headmistress, now in full MOM MODE called said number on the cellphone (The Deputy Headmistress would like to add that the Witch in a Ponytail gave my daughter a wrong number. The Deputy Headmistress had to do some telephone detective work to obtain the correct number). We sat in the parking lot of Hollywood Video while somebody from the main office put us on hold and called the employees of the local Hollywood Video and told them that a paystub with an address should be good enough. HA. So there. I went back in and finished my application with a girl named Kathy. Witch in a Ponytail stood at the opposite counter with her back to me the entire time.

Because I couldn’t provide a credit card, I have a limit on how many videos I can check out. This is understandable but irrelevant. I will probably shred my Hollywood Video card to bits and never darken their doors again.

What movie did I finally rent? Napoleon Dynamite.

AND IT WASN’T EVEN WORTH IT! I cannot believe I spent an hour in Hollywood Video arguing with Witches in Ponytails just to rent a movie that was so stupid it made Barney the Purple Dinosaur look good. At least Barney movies have a plot.

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